If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.