If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Help
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
This why you should mind your business
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral