If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
You Might Also Like
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Sponch
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now