Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Note to self: always read the final line

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman