If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
This meeting could have been a cake
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.