Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.