If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. đ
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30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
me: goodnight moon đ
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars đ
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard đ
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
When I need you, I close my eyes and Iâm with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isnât that hard to make
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out đđźđđźđđź
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, Iâm being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, Iâm being weird.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it âreally really hurtsâ but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldnât see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him sheâs sad and she said something along the lines of âmy boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasnât once made a song about me or how he loves meâ like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! đ
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”![]()
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just canât catch a break.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[speed dating]
date: whatâs your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah iâm not a big fan
me: next