If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.