If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Have kids, they said
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*