If you know what âA/S/L?â means, I hope your back is okay. đ
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[McDonaldâs]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Bartender: whatâll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we donât know yet
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: Iâll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Itâs only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, youâre under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Englandâs gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Jurassic Park CEO: Iâm beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: WellâŚwhat if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay Iâll take one dollar
CLERK: thatâll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The iPad Air is named after whatâs left in your bank account when you buy one.
Iâm a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee itâs about laundry.
Me: [uses âyeetâ in a sentence]
14: âmom. No one says yeet.â
Me: âYeet is cringe?â
14: âMOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGEâ
Me: âcringe has been yeeted?â[The glare was EPIC]
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, Iâm leaving.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didnât have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
âWhat happened?!â
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Oops
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INTERVIEWER: Weâre looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[Plastic surgeonâs office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I donât get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOUâRE NOT âFIGHTINGâ THE FIRE YOUâRE WATERING IT
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
if Disney has taught us anything itâs that if youâre a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo