If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
marvel comics have peaked
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.