If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.