Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

People buying plungers never look happy.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility