If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and