If you know, you know
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Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
We need to put an American base on the sun
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
🙅🏻
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
