If you know, you know
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you