If you know, you know
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Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
This line from Airplane.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”