If you know, you know
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
No chill.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?