If you know, you know 😂🚔
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
SPLOOT
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now