If you know, you know 😂🚔
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
going to bed
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Bit chilly again tonight.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling