If you know, you know 😂🚔
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children