If you know, you know 😂🚔
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PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through