If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
You Might Also Like
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*checks Timeline*…
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.