If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.