If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.