Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

😭

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Well, that should do it

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.