If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.