If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.