If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
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Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Nothing to do, you say?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.