If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes