If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
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My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???