If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors