If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.