If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
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Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
The best shot in the history of golf
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.