If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.