If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
is this meant to deter me
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties