Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.