Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too