Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Who chose this font

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.