Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

Good morning

Drilling for oil is well boring.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.