Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.