If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
