If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?