If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u