If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.