If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
You Might Also Like
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
#ParentingFacts
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying