If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*