If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
spot the difference
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.