Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.