Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This kid is a star!

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

just got my engagement photos

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

definitely did not do anything wrong

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

could’ve been anyone

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?