Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.