If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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Oh we’ve met.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
reminder
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.