If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
