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@LuvPug: If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still...
@GimmieTheHam: The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
@mhdksafa: For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
@psybermonkey: Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
@siddo471: That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE