@LuvPug

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

@momjeansplease

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

@astutenewf

13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.

@Sassafrantz

Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.

@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@nyquills

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

@daemonic3

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones