Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.
Put her head right through the drywall.
Goddam cheap motels.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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Top Five Creepy Things:
5) Dark and stormy nights
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*googles how to cook something*
Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.