If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt