If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
You Might Also Like
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.