If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.