If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Children of the Corn Man
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
January has been Januweary
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
dril cadence
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Taking phone security to the next level.
