If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play