Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Still a very good boi….

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.