Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1665879662038319104/pu/vid/540x720/xSLl6Q0fsHPGeM0T.mp4?tag=12

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

trivia

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!