If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Ironic
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.