If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
You Might Also Like
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce