If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.