If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
You Might Also Like
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I have a type: disappointing
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?