If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”