If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.