Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV