If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?