If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
😜
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.