If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
☠️ ☠️
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
