If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I ain’t wearing no wire
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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