if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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estão todos miauvindo?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again