if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Goodnight 🐶
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*